I was away on vacation for the weekend but wanted to pop back in here and say thank you again to everyone who left comments about my story. Your comments will be extremely helpful. Thank you also to Authoress for her kindness and generosity, always! :-)
UPDATE: 7/11/14
First, thank you ALL for your AWESOME feedback! I'm very impressed with the level of critiques I've received, and I'm sure all of it will be very helpful getting this book into publishable shape.
Second, if you would still like to leave critiques on any of the entries for Miss Snark's First Victim's Blog Critique Tour and have your critique count as an entry into Authoress's contest, you must leave your critiques before midnight EDT! I won't be blocking any further comments after that time, and you're free to leave comments, but be aware your critique will not be eligible for the contest.
UPDATE: 7/9/14
Today the Blog Critique Tour portion of the contest goes live. If you want to take part, feel free to leave me critiques in the COMMENTS section of my blog. Make sure if you're leaving critique to post under a name other than Anonymous, otherwise you won't be entered for a chance to win. I'm including a link at the bottom of my original blog post to Miss Snark's First Victim's blog which explains the rules and also has all the other amazing authors' blogs so you can critique all 10 of our writing samples.
Enjoy, and thanks!!
ORIGINAL BLOG POST
Hi all.
So I have some exciting news. I've just been selected to take part in Miss Snark's First Victim's #BLOGPITCH contest!
Round one of the contest has already passed. Contestants entered their Twitter pitches with the hashtag #BLOGPITCH on Twitter, and 10 pitches were selected by Authoress, the anonymous but amazing author behind the Miss Snark's First Victim blog. For the next phase, each of the 10 winners will post loglines and the first 250 words of their books on their blogs for critique. For every critique given to one of the 10 winners, the critiquer is entered into another contest to win a 15-page critique by Authoress. All loglines and writing samples will be posted on the winners' blogs by Wednesday, July 9, where critiquing will begin and end by midnight Friday, July 11.
For more details on this contest, and for other writing related resources, tips, and contests, visit Miss Snark's First Victim: a blog for aspiring authors.
I'm excited to be part of this for a bunch of different reasons:
- I get to receive valuable feedback on my logline and writing sample
- I get to help other authors out there by providing the same feedback for them
- I get to connect with more authors who are hoping to be published someday like I am
- I get to give my readers a glimpse of one of the many things I'm up to these days with my writing
And finally:
- I get to turn you all on to Miss Snark's First Victim's website, a valuable resource for writers.
So, without further ado, here is my logline for my middle-grade mystery novel I'm working on, The Vanilla Wafer Chronicles: The Case of the Missing Pin:
Brain-injured Jason becomes a detective to solve the case of the school bully's missing pin. Why? Jason is the number one suspect.
Here is a 250-word excerpt from Chapter 1:
Jason Roberts slumped in his seat, lost in his
usual fog. Ms. Iafrate strutted around the room, lost in her lecture on
electricity, but all the important points seemed to blow away before his ears
could trap them and deliver them to his brain.
Jason rummaged through his backpack and pulled
out a pad to take notes. A tap on his shoulder startled him.
"Hey, weird kid," a boy sitting behind
him said. "What's with the notebook?"
Jason looked around. None of the other kids in
the class had notebooks. Apparently, they had photographic memories. Unlike
him, who had no memory at all. "Nothing," Jason mumbled and put the
notebook away.
As Ms. Iafrate rambled on, Jason sighed. Why
couldn't she slow down for a minute? He rolled his eyes up into his head, as if
somehow the ideas had made it to his brain anyway and all he had to do was look
for them.
Ms. Iafrate's voice broke through his thoughts.
"Who would like to volunteer for The Experiment?"
Jason shuddered. He pictured the capital "T" and "E" in his mind when he thought of Ms. Iafrate's evil experiments. She clearly designed them to embarrass the students. Two days ago, The Experiment dealt with static electricity. Ms. Iafrate had instructed Jason to rub a balloon on a piece of carpet and then touch it to his head. For the rest of the day, he couldn’t seem to comb his hair back into place. A bunch of kids called him Porcu-Jay all that afternoon.
I'll be putting up a quick post when all the other winners from the first round of the contest have been posted on Miss Snark's First Victim's blog (which should be on Wednesday, July 9). At that time, you can go check out all the loglines and writing samples based on the other winning Twitter pitches and leave your critique for a chance to win the 15-page critique.
Enjoy, and let the critiques fly!
END ORIGINAL BLOG POST
LINK TO BLOG CRITIQUE TOUR RULES AND ALL 10 AUTHORS' BLOGS:
http://misssnarksfirstvictim.blogspot.com/2014/07/blog-critique-tour.html
Hi George,
ReplyDeleteYour logline and premise are really interesting! I wasn't captured by the first paragraph of your story, though. You use the word "lost" twice in the first two sentences and I felt a bit lost myself. I stopped at the name "Iafrate" because it's so unusual and I couldn't tell if the first letter was an uppercase I or lowercase l...because they look the same! Those little details are taking me out of the story right away. The rest of your excerpt was good. You clearly set up that Jason has some issues and I'm curious to find out more. I do wonder why the other kids would pick on him so much if it's so far into the school year. I would think kids these days would know to be sensitive to someone with a brain injury, especially if he's been dealing with it all year long.
Good luck! I wanted to keep reading to find out more. :)
Thank you for this portrait of neuro-diversity. I love your main character immediately. I like "The Experiment," because at first you think it might be something evil, but then you realize it's a regular school thing (which can feel evil). Two notes: First, if the students are not reading, they don't have photographic memories. It's some sort of auditory memory (or just memory). Second, in the logline I'm confused about this bully's pin.
ReplyDelete1. Why would he help the bully? It needs to at least be acknowledged that this is an unlikely pairing (which I like).
2. Why is losing a pin a big deal? This is the little pointy thing, right? Why doesn't he just get a new one? Since it's a bully's, I can't help but think he uses it to stab kids, especially our MC.
Thanks for sharing!
I really like your pitch! It's snappy and immediately catches my attention.
ReplyDeleteIn the second sentence, there's a bit of a POV issue with stating that the teacher is lost in her lecture. I'd suggest: "Ms. Iafrate strutted around the room, lecturing about electricity, but all the important points ..." That way you keep it all in Jason's POV.
Why don't any of the other students have notebooks? Perhaps because you've put the thought in my head about photographic memories, I immediately started wondering if this school is something outside the ordinary and there's a reason why kids aren't taking notes like they normally would.
I love the paragraph about the experiment and the kids calling him Porcu-Jay! That would make me want to read more. Good luck with this!
Nice opening! I really like your premise. The opening doesn't seem to capture why Jason has lost his memory though. It certainly shows how he's different from the rest of the students, which makes him a sympathetic character, though. One thing--lots of schools require notebooks and binders, often each subject has its own color--so it's hard to believe the other kids wouldn't have notebooks. Plus, for middle grade, the teacher seems "advanced." IDK, maybe it's just how it's portrayed?
ReplyDeleteI love your pitch and your premise. Unfortunately the first page didn't quite grab me. I've made some suggestions below to maybe punch it up a bit. I think you could use a little bit of tightening.
ReplyDeleteJason Roberts slumped in his seat, lost in his usual fog. Ms. Iafrate strutted around the room, lost in her lecture on electricity, but all the important points seemed to blow away before his ears could trap them and deliver them to his brain. (You repeated the word lost twice here. Also the second sentence is a tad clunky maybe you can break it up a little? maybe end the second sentence with electricity and then start the third with all the important points...)
Jason rummaged through his backpack and pulled out a pad to take notes. A tap on his shoulder startled him.
"Hey, weird kid," a boy sitting behind him said. "What's with the notebook?" (I'd maybe shorten this to "hey weirdo, what's with the notebook?" so you get a little bit more authentic kid speak.)
Jason looked around. (I'd cut the Jason looked around. We are following Jason so we know we see what he sees. Also 3 of your 4 paragraphs start with Jason. Start this paragraph here -->) None of the other kids in the class had notebooks. Apparently, they had photographic memories. Unlike him, who had no memory at all. "Nothing," Jason mumbled and put the notebook away. (I want to know why he doesn't have a memory, is this compared to everyone else or does he just not remember anything at all? can you clarify this a little?)
As Ms. Iafrate rambled on, Jason sighed. Why couldn't she slow down for a minute? (I think you can combine these two sentences into something more punchy. maybe something like Ms. Iafrate rambled on so quickly Jason forgot the words almost as she said them) He rolled his eyes up into his head (i'd cut the into his head i dont think you need it), as if somehow the ideas had made it to his brain anyway and all he had to do was look for them.
Ms. Iafrate's voice broke through his thoughts. (I'd consider cutting this and possibly just adding a Ms. Iafrate asked to the end of the question.) "Who would like to volunteer for The Experiment?"
Jason shuddered. He pictured the capital "T" and "E" in his mind when he thought of Ms. Iafrate's evil experiments. (I'm not sure what the T and E has to do with the evil experiments, maybe just say they are torture?) She clearly designed them to embarrass the students. Two days ago, The Experiment dealt with static electricity. Ms. Iafrate had instructed Jason to rub a balloon on a piece of carpet and then touch it to his head. For the rest of the day, he couldn’t seem to comb his hair back into place. A bunch of kids called him Porcu-Jay all that afternoon.
I think you've got a good start here and with some tightening this will really shine :) I wish you luck as you pursue your manuscript :)
I was immediately drawn in by the premise, and the fist 250 made me want to keep reading more. I had no issue with needing to know everything in the first 250 words. OF COURSE, we don't know why he lost his memory yet. If I knew that, why would I keep reading? I like the tension that you have crafted. Yes, the teachers name made me stumble a bit, but I basically assigned a pronunciation to it. You might want to make sure that you somehow work in some guidance in how to pronounce it at some point. (For example, if a new student comes to the classroom at some point, the teacher could pronounce it phonetically, or maybe there is a nickname they have for her that shows us what the name rhymes with, or some such thing--kinda like what Rowling did when she had Victor Krum mispronouncing Hermione and she had to correct him). At any rate, I was definitely engaged and would read more.
ReplyDeleteThis is a solid beginning. We get a hint of the main character and his relationship with his classmates. I stumbled a bit over the reaction of the boy behind him when he takes out his notebook. It happens so quickly, like the kid was waiting to pounce. And why doesn't he know the boy's name? If it's to do with the brain injury, this could be a place to introduce that. Just something about him struggling to remember, but he hasn't been good with names since the accident (or whatever the case is).
ReplyDeleteMy bigger concern is that starting with a bored or confused kid listening to a lecture is kind of a cliche beginning for both YA and MG. If this scene is leading to the inciting incident, that's great, but would it be possible for it to take place in another part of the school or off campus altogether? A different opening setting would make your story stand out and show how it's different from others of its category.
There's much to like here. But like one of the other contributor's, I'm confused about the "pin" and why it's a big deal. Is it a cursed pin? A lucky pin? Sorry to be so dense.
ReplyDeleteOverall the story could use shorter sentences. They tend to be long and complex. I'd like to get the feel of how Jason's mind work - how he sees the world around him. Have you thought about writing it first person? It might fun to try a few pages to see what happens. I'd like to know what happens to this kid! Good Luck!
I like this premise and am assuming the lost pin is valuable? Or could it possibly be a writing pen? I was a bit confused there as to its importance.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't figure out how to pronounce the teacher's name, so that bogged me down for a while. But I love the comment about 'weird kid', rather than weirdo. For some reason it resonates with me.
I'd like to read more of this, and find out how it all goes down, but I do have one question already. He states he has no memory, yet he remembers a past experiment. I realize it was only a couple of days ago, so at what point does his memory fail him?
The logline confuses me a little because I'm not sure what the pin is or why it's important or why Jason would want to find it for the bully even if he is the prime suspect.
ReplyDeleteIn the 250, like others, I was taken out of the piece by the teacher's name. Unless there is a reason for her having a weird name, I'd simplify it so people don't stumble over it. I also wondered why he's assume the kids had photographic memories when it doesn't appear they are reading or looking at anything.
You do a good job of showing Jason's confusion and his inability to grasp things quickly. He seems like an interesting character, and one I'd like to spend more time with. If you tighten up your opening, it will be a great introduction to the story.
Like others, I'm puzzled about the pin and why Ms. Iafrate's name has to be so strange.
ReplyDeleteThe main problem is Jason could be seen as being bored. Potential readers might not be interested in that. He should feel anxiety at not being able to remember the lecture. Also, more sensory detail, like remembering how his scalp tingled at the last experiment, would help.
I like the logline, a lot, but I'm just not feeling that first chapter. It feels like you're trying too hard to point out the brain-damaged part, enough that it pulls us out of the story. The writing is a little clunky, too. You just need to go over it again a few times, I think, to tighten and clarify. The others, I'm sure, have given some good advice on that.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
"Brain-injured" is an odd adjective for me. I had to look at it a few times before I thought I knew what you meant, so it was a distraction to me. I'd try to use a more common term. But I loved the way you phrased the end and the fact that we know Jason is now the bully's suspect and he's in it to save his hide. Great motivation.
ReplyDeleteI think you're trying to tie together what's happening with Jason & Mrs. Iafrate with them both being "lost" but, for me, the use of the word "lost" for both of them felt repetitive.
"He rolled his eyes up into his head" is a distracting description for me. It makes me think of the fates or some moster who does not have normal, attached eyes.
When you introduce "The Experiment" I at first thought it was a much bigger deal than just the day's daily science experiment. Then you explained further, and I felt a little let down. I get why Jason thinks of it that way after the explanation, but I did feel like that first introduction mislead me.
I'm curious to know about Jason's brain injury and how it affects him. Interesting idea.
The teacher's name threw me off. I thought you were using a lower case L but then realized it was a capital I. If he has no memory how does he remember the experiment of two days ago. I don't find it odd that a student would have a notebook, actually I think it is strange the other students don't have a notebook.
ReplyDeleteYour log line is concise and interesting. As others have commented, brain injured is an unusual way to describe someone. It doesn't give much into about how his injury has affected him.
ReplyDeleteYou refer to your 250 words as an excerpt. Is it the first 250 words? It is interesting in that you drop us right into the classroom but in order to relate to Jason, I would like a little more info. How old is he? Also you hint that this isn't a normal class in that no one takes notes. What kind of school is it? How is it different from a normal school and what is the criteria to get in?
It's an interesting premise and includes some popular themes.
Good luck
I like the idea of a connection between the bully and his target. I want to know know why the pin is so special to get a better idea of the stakes.
ReplyDeleteI agree with many of the above comments:
I like the idea of a focus on Jason's struggle rather than his boredom. Also, the addition of sensory details will help touch (ha, ha) the reader.
I skipped over the teacher's name because I had no idea how to pronounce it.
Photographic vs. auditory memory.
Why don't the students take notes?
Hey weirdo instead of weird kid.
Consider 1st person. Jason is very much in his own head as it is, almost isolated. It might help focus the POV and give the reader a stronger idea of Jason's struggles.
Memory consistency. How long is his memory. Or is it very specific? I want to know more about the source of his disability/cause of his injury.
I wonder if Jason and the bully have an ongoing history, even prior to the injury.
I think this is a promising opening and a very interesting idea.
Keep writing!
Congrats, George, for being one of MSFV's winning writers - and thanks for willingly sharing your logline and 250 words. Given that so many other wonderful folks have offered you their thoughts, I'll try to keep this short. As with others, I stumbled over the teacher's rather unique name - but I LOVED the reference to "Porcu-Jay" (it actually made me giggle when I read it). As for the repetition of the word "lost," I actually wouldn't have minded it if this story were told via an omniscient narrator, but since it's Jason's story, it momentarily messed up the POV for me. And as others have pointed out, the inconsistency of his memory issues bug me: He doesn't remember that his classmates don't use notebooks (Why is it that they don't, I wonder?), but he DOES remember "The Experiment," an ominously titled entity that, as Sarah H. said, let me down a bit when I discovered how ordinary it is.
ReplyDeleteAll that said, I am intrigued - and a few tweaks would make me even more so. Good luck!
I really like your concept- it’s straightforward and I understand the stakes immediately.
ReplyDeleteI did feel a little like I was waiting for something to happen that didn’t. It wasn’t clear to me whether the student who called him “weird,” was the bully or not.
I kept stumbling over the teacher’s name to ponder how it was supposed to be pronounced (Eye-uh-fray-tee? La-fray-tee?)
I think “weird kid” should be capitalized if you’re not going with “weirdo.” I first read it as “hey [that’s] a weird kid” – I thought the student was talking to the protag about someone else.
The comment “what’s with the notebook?” seemed too subtle for MG. When I read it, I thought there was something weird about the actual notebook, not the fact that he actually had one.
I love the line “all the important points seemed to blow away before his ears could trap them and deliver them to his brain.”
There was one line that I felt slowed down the story- “He rolled his eyes up into his head, as if somehow the ideas had made it to his brain anyway and all he had to do was look for them.”
“Brain injured” is a pretty strong word choice. Why would he be in this class if his injury is that severe?
There are a couple spots where you can probably delete a word (embarrass the students = embarrass students, all that afternoon = all afternoon).
Good luck and congrats on being selected- looks like this has the makings of a great story!
This is an easy-going opening, and I feel for your MC. Fav things: The Experiment, Porcu-Jay, looking up to see if the info had gotten into his brain. Questions I have: He is very aware of his short-comings, and I wonder if brain-injured kid at this age would be so self-reflexive. I think the "I wish she would slow down" and comparing self to other kids rings true...something to keep in mind through the rest: how much does he know about his "otherness" and how much is just what he is and doesn't realize so readily.
ReplyDeleteThe use of italics for the entry made me think that this was a dream sequence. The part about the other student calling him weird and commenting on using a notebook seemed to back that up. Although, students don't seem to know how to take notes. They're used to the teacher providing them online.
ReplyDeleteAgree about the teacher's name, especially for MG readers. Difficult names make me spend too much time questioning if I'm pronouncing it correctly when I should be focused on the story.
If there's a more specific medical term for his condition, it may be useful to put in the logline instead of brain-injured.
Since this is a MG, maybe show things that are distracting him from processing the teacher's lecture (rattling heater, other kids tapping). Adding more sensory elements would let us into the character's head and his difficulties. Then, you wouldn't have to say the part about the teacher needing to slow down, you would show it.
Would be good to let us know the character's age, at least in the logline. 'Porcu-Jay' struck me as very immature, so I wouldn't think he was in middle school. Sounds more like 4th.
You do a great job of showing us how different Jason feels from the other kids. Definitely get the awkward vibe. I can picture how many obstacles he will encounter while trying to clear his name.
Good luck!
The premise of your story has me intrigued! I’d love to read more. Although there are a few inconsistencies, they can easily be fixed. My thoughts on certain areas are noted within the blurp:
ReplyDeleteBrain-injured Jason becomes a detective to solve the case of the school bully's missing pin. Why? Jason is the number one suspect. (What kind of pin? Antique or club membership?)
Jason Roberts slumped in his seat, lost in his usual fog. Ms. Iafrate (maybe Eye-uh-freight, a spin-off of I-afraid? Stumbled over this along with other commenters) strutted around the room, lost in her lecture on electricity, but (maybe consider rewording ‘lost’, it makes her sound indifferent to the kids, and delete ‘but’, period after electricity and capitalize ‘all’) all the important points seemed to blow away before his ears could trap them and deliver them to his brain.
Jason rummaged through his backpack and pulled out a pad to take notes. A tap on his shoulder startled him.
"Hey, weird kid," a boy sitting behind him said. "What's with the notebook?" (Maybe consider moving this up to the previous paragraph and rearranging the sentence. Example: The boy sitting behind him snorted, “Hey, weird kid, what’s with the notepad?” It might connect the tap on the shoulder to the boy behind him speaking)
Jason looked around. None of the other kids in the class had notebooks (maybe consider rewording. Example: None of the other kids had notebooks. OR something like: None of the other kids were taking notes). Apparently, they had photographic memories (photographic doesn't fit, maybe consider something like: He racked his brain trying to figure out why). Unlike him, who had no memory at all (consider deleting because he does seem to have some memory). "Nothing," Jason mumbled and put the notebook (notepad) away (maybe add an emotion to Jason, such as: Jason’s face flashed red, “Nothing,” he mumbled and put the notepad away).
As Ms. Iafrate rambled on, Jason sighed. Why couldn't she slow down for a minute? He rolled his eyes up into his head (unless he’s an alien or something, maybe consider deleting ‘up into his head’, to me it sounds creepy), as if somehow the ideas had (consider deleting ‘had’, it’s not really needed and is used twice in the same sentence) made it to his brain anyway and all he had to do was look for them.
Ms. Iafrate's voice broke through his thoughts. "Who would like to volunteer for The Experiment?"
Jason shuddered. He pictured the capital "T" and "E" (huh? What do you mean by “T” and “E”, this threw me, remember not everybody knows your story as well as you do) in his mind when he thought of Ms. Iafrate's evil experiments. She clearly designed them to embarrass the (consider deleting ‘the’, it’s not really needed) students. Two days ago, The Experiment dealt with static electricity. Ms. Iafrate had (since we already know this is referring to a previous event, maybe consider deleting ‘had’, it’s not needed) instructed Jason to rub a balloon on a piece of carpet and then touch it to his head. For (consider deleting ‘For’ and capitalize ‘the’) the rest of the day, (if you reword, the comma here may not be needed) he couldn't seem to comb his hair back into place. A bunch of kids called him Porcu-Jay (I love this) all that afternoon. (Maybe consider adding a little glimpse of how he felt about that, and maybe show what his hair did rather than telling that he couldn't comb it back into place. Maybe use dialog and his classmates laughing at his hair standing straight up, and his reaction, to show why he thinks The Experiments are evil.)
My interest in piqued and I’d definitely read more.
You have a great beginning to an interesting story! Good luck to you!
I love this opening - it shows a lot about his character and immediately causes the reader to feel a kinship to Jason (who hasn't been in his position, where you just can't focus on the teacher, no matter what?).
ReplyDeleteHowever, I don't like the first sentence. I think it's because it makes it seem as though Jason has stopped caring about what the teacher is talking about. This clashes with the rest of the scene, where he's trying to figure out a way to engage himself. It also has a very distant, narrated feel, whilst the rest of the piece does such a good job keeping close to Jason and showing us what he thinks and feels and remembers, instead of just telling us he's lost in a fog.
All the kids having no notebooks is odd. Readers will focus on that. If this is something that will be important in your novel, keep it, but if it's just to illustrate Jason being bullied and how he is different/feels inferior, I would suggest finding a different way. No notebooks is taking a lot of my focus, and I get the feeling it's just a minor part.
I love The Experiment - what a great bit of voice and characterization! In fact, other than the opening line being distant and questions about the notebooks, I love every bit of this first 250 (as well as the logline and title). Very well-written. Good job!
There are some good lines in here (all the important points blow away before his ears could trap them/ rolled his eyes up looking for the ideas) and I think you should lead with them. Otherwise you start reading it and think he’s just another kid not paying attention in class.
ReplyDeleteI think there would be other kids taking notes. So maybe his neighbor comments on how his notes make no sense or something. If he has the type of brain injury where there is a disconnect between what his brain says to write and what he actually writes that would be interesting to explore.
Also I would play around with the voice to make sure it sounds consistently young. It sounded older to me at times.