Thursday, October 31, 2013

My Writing: The Early Years

Hello, and welcome to the first edition of My Writing: The Early Years.

Let's go WAY back, to the time where there was no internet. Or, at least to a time where the internet didn't exist as it does today.

Back in the mid to late 80s, without boring anyone with a history lesson, the closest equivalent to the internet you could find were these local bulletin board systems, or BBSs, where you could dial in with a phone modem and talk to other people who also dialed in. Most times "talking" involved posting messages on what people today might know as a message forum. There were a few BBSs out there where you could do real-time chat, play multiplayer games, etc, but those were few and far between and didn't really explode onto the scene until the early 90s maybe, not long before the world wide web came and blew all that away.

On one particular BBS called DragNet (named after the popular TV show), I used to post my own stories, because it was the only forum I knew for the brain farts that passed as my writing, and the other users seemed to enjoy them.

(It didn't dawn on me then that I could actually try to publish anything in magazines, although I did enter two writing contests when I was younger. But I digress.)

I posted a good number of stories over the years I spent on there, but out of all those, only ONE survived in my own files. The rest, presumably, still exist on the ancient Apple computer that hosted DragNet BBS. I'm still waiting for the System Operator from that time to fire up that old Apple, but I think it might involve more hamsters and wheels than he can get his hands on without involving a builder's permit or animal control.

Anyway, without further ado, here it is, the only surviving piece of writing from the mid to late 80s. It's also my first, last, and only radio script.

And to any publishers or agents who might be peeking into my blog (** if only **), please don't judge me on this.




Jim Cronan:     This is Jim Cronan, speaking to you live from the planet of Aggraria where the new season of MegaGolf is about to begin. For those of you who are interested in seeing this spectacular event live, here are the directions. Note that these directions are for the people of the planet of Aggraria. Take Canal 61 north to Falch’s Canal. Take Falch’s Canal east for about a mile. Don’t worry, there’ll be signs on the way. Please, if you happen to hit any, inform someone of this so that they can promptly put up another one. The name of the field is Somethingorother Field. Well, not all of the contestants are here yet, so we’ll take a commercial break here.

Commercial Announcer:     Introducing the latest and greatest product from Dr. Ford GWIIInc.: the Cheese-Powered Lawnmower! Yes, folks, no more wasting your money on lots of gasoline to waste on those other gas-guzzling mowers. Now just one small block of cheese will power our lawnmower nicely and it will not run out of energy until the job is done! This is the answer to all you people out there who may have tons of left-over cheese from your parties because no one likes it. And now you know what to do with that spoilt cheese – our lawnmowers run even better on it. Now, you must be saying to yourself, this must cost a fortune. Wrong! This amazing machine costs only 200 Aggrarian dollars, or $199.95 in American money! That’s it! And all you hafta do is pick up the phone and order today. The number is 111-123-1111-11111-11, or 111-123-1111-12 in the Exceptia area. Or write to our company address: Dr. Ford’s GWIIInc., 115 Somethingorother Lane, Jordan City, Golqua, 1231231.

Jim Cronan:     Well, we’re back and it seems that the four contestants are now entirely here. Let’s go on location with Doug Phlegm.

Doug Phlegm:     This is Doug Phlegm here on the shoreline of Somethingorother’s Field, where the players are practicing for the game. Let’s go have a talk with them.

F/X:                    Sounds of people grunting and loud squishing sounds.

Doug Phlegm:     Uh, excuse me, Sir. May I ask you your name?

Uly Throttle:     Uly Throttle, Sir. I suggest you step back or I may accidentally hit you with my mallet.

Doug Phlegm:     Of course. Well, what do you think your chances of winning are, Mr. Throttle?

Uly Throttle:     Are you kidding? No one has ever survived after playing me in a game of MegaGolf. I used to play my friend when I was a young lad, and let me tell you that I was a very lonely child, Sir.

Doug Phlegm:     Uh, yeah, well you’re gonna have quick a match playing the Stick...

Uly Throttle:     That wimp?! You look at my name and that’ll tell you what I’ll do when I catch him!

Doug Phlegm:     Yes, well, we’ll go have a talk with the next player, who just happens to be that brutal, totally unpredictable MegaGolf player, Tom “The Stick” Wilson. Excuse me, Sir, but I was just wondering...

“The Stick”:     Get outta my way, I’m practicin’!

F/X:                    Sound of an especially loud swish.

Doug Phlegm:     Yes, well, I can see that. I just want to ask you a couple of questions.

“The Stick”:     Some people just don’t listen...

F/X:                    Sound of an even louder swish, then a loud crack followed by a moan of pain. Then static.

Jim Cronan:     Umm, we seem to have lost contact with our on-location reporter. No matter... the competition seems to be starting. The contestants are boarding their golf carts at this time. Some of you may be wondering where I am at this time. I am currently floating above the field in my nuclear-powered blimp, along with forty-eight others, I might add. As long as we don’t collide up here... but enough of this. Before the game begins, let me tell you about the other two players we didn’t have a chance to talk with before. The third player is a man by the name of Winston Stohf from the planet Oather. He has been a MegaGolf champion for three years on his home planet. Let’s see if he lasts here. The last player is a very famous player from his home planet of Sircia. His name is Sir Qualife Thek, one of the most wealthy people of his planet. You can see him down there now waving his golden golfing mallet. Well, the competition is about to begin.

F/X:                    Lyrics of Sledgehammer can be heard in the background.

Jim Cronan:     A thank you goes out to Jessica Purfle for giving us this inspirational song you can hear now. Jessica, if you’re listening, please come up to the office and pick up your pass to be the first person to enter the field for souvenirs. Well, there’s the bell, and the golf carts are off, racing down the field with their drivers waving their mallets madly in the air. It seems that The Stick is in the lead, followed closely by Sir Qualife, Uly Throttle, and last, Winston Stohf, who is now closing in rapidly on Throttle. The Stick has reached the ball, raises his mallet, and sends the ball flying with a perfect swing. During this pause, Thek passes him in his golf cart. Poor Thek doesn’t realize that no one survives the wrath of The Stick, who is now frantically pursuing him. Meanwhile, Stohf has caught up with Throttle. He raises his mallet and gives him a good whack over the head! Throttle’s golf cart is now out of control, zigzagging on the green. And Throttle is out of the game, at least temporarily, for his golf cart is stuck in the sand trap! Further up, Sir Qualiffe has reached the ball and he sends it flying. Which was a foolish action, for The Stick was there behind him with a perfect swing to the back of Qualiffe’s head. And Sir Qualiffe is knocked unconscious. That only leaves The Stick and Stohf, who is quite far behind. The Stick reaches the ball and whacks it. It’s a crazy flight – oh no, it’s landed in the Marshi Canal! He’s swinging wildly with his mallet, searching for the ball. He’s found it, and it leaves the canal with a graceful flight and lands not twenty feet from the goal! But The Stick is having a bit of trouble getting his cart out of the canal. He’s making a run for it! But wait! Stohf’s cart flies over the canal, and he can be seen grinning wildly as he bears down on The Stick. What is he doing? The Stick has turned around. He aims, then he throws his mallet into the face of the astonished Stohf! The cart flips over once, twice, three times. Looks like Stohf is finished for this game. And The Stick is heading for the goal. He whacks the ball, but it falls short of the goal by a few feet. The goalies are there first and whack the ball away. The Stick swings again, and it’s blocked again. Now The Stick is upon them, beating them senseless! I don’t believe this! I’ve never seen such brutal treatment of the goalies in my entire life! Two more goalies come out to their aide, and they are quickly dispatched also! The Stick finds the ball, and before the next two goalies reach the goal, The Stick hits it in for a win! The crowd is going wild over here. Our on-location reporter, who seems to have recovered, will see if he can get a statement from the winner...

Doug Phlegm:     Hello again, this is Doug Phlegm, and I’m standing among the crowd here as they wait to shake hands with Tom “The Stick” Wilson. Let’s get in closer and speak with him.

F/X:                    Sounds of cheering can be heard, along with a shout of “Hey, watch it!” and “Where do you think you’re going?”

Doug Phlegm:     Uh, excuse me, Mr. Wilson, but may I have a word with you?

“The Stick”:     Get away, I’m busy!

Doug Phlegm:     Uh, yes, I can see that. I would just like to ask you some questions.

“The Stick”:     Some people just don’t listen...

F/X:                    Sound of a loud swish, then a loud crack, then a loud moan of pain. Sounds of cheering from the crowd can be heard. From somewhere in the background comes a woman’s voice: “Oh my God! Jessica, what’s happened? Somebody get an ambulance, my daughter’s been trampled! Somebody PLEASE help me!” Then static.

Jim Cronan:     Uh, this is Jim Cronan again. Well, thus ends another exciting MegaGolf match. ‘Til the next exciting event, this is your official sports reporter signing off.

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